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Alright, onto part 2.
So we learned a lot about what we do to sabotage our own self care. But the previous 3 things are all results of the last thing. A lack of boundaries, or poor maintenance of boundaries.
Poor boundaries create poor self care
What is a boundary?
Certainly you've heard the term being tossed around. Most people I talk to think of boundaries as something you tell someone to do or not to do, usually in relation to how they treat you. In a way, that is true. But in actuality, boundaries are literally rules that we set for ourselves and how we navigate through life.
For example, a boundary can be, "You will not talk to me that way." Great boundary. I am assuming "that way" means a way of communicating that is disrespectful. A boundary can also be, "I will not let anyone talk to me that way, period."
What's the difference?
The first example is obviously a reaction. Someone has spoken to this person in a disrespectful way, and the this person isn't having it. The second example shows that the person is unwilling to accept this behavior from anyone, whether it be a new acquaintance, an old friend, a boss, a partner, a child, a parent, etc.
We live life through a series of boundaries. Boundaries of self care include:
- I will take a break after every 2 hours of studying for at least 20 minutes, no matter what
- I will go to bed at 9, even if I am not done with my chores/schoolwork/studying
- I will make sure I have breakfast, lunch, and dinner, even if it is easier for me to keep working, or if I feel I am not hungry
- I will only spend one hour today cleaning
- I will make sure I get some sort of exercise every day
- If I feel a certain way, I will honor it and take care of my emotional state
- If I need help, I will ask for it
- I will schedule time for me every day, where I am alone and am able to enjoy my own presence, and I will not sacrifice this time for anything
So not only can we have boundaries with others, we can have them with ourselves. Some of the boundaries above include other people's participation. For example, the last one, if you have a family, requires others to honor your boundaries.
How do we get them to do that?
We have to participate in the 3 steps of boundary making:
- Communicate the boundary
- Have a consequence for the boundary being broken
- Enforce the consequence
What does that mean?
Say for example your boundary is, "I need alone time every day, for at least 30 minutes, uninterrupted, and I cannot be bothered during this time. I am unavailable." You tell this to your spouse and your children. Already, step one is taken care of.
So you take your 30 minutes to read a few chapters of your newest book while enjoying a relaxing bath. Ten minutes in, your spouse barges in with a crying child and demands you take care of them. You have two choices. You can get out of the bath and take care of the crying child, or you can say, "I told you that this is my time, and I am unavailable during this time, as if I am not even here. Please take care of the child as if I am not here, as I have communicated."
What is the consequence of them breaking this boundary? This you have to communicate before the boundary is broken as well. "I need alone time every day, for at least 30 minutes, uninterrupted, and I cannot be bothered during this time. I am unavailable. If you cannot honor this, then I will take my breaks outside of the house where you cannot reach me."
The consequence after this would be, "Well, I cannot get the peace I need for 30 minutes, even though I asked and made myself clear, in my own house, so next time I will go to Starbucks or the library, or somewhere else where I can be alone." So, part 2 is taken care of.
Then, you actually have to do it. You cannot tell people, "And this is what I will do." And not do it! It's akin to telling a kid not to touch something or else they will be in trouble, and they touch the thing anyway, and you tell them, "Do it again, and see what happens!" They already know nothing will happen, so they're going to do it again!
Of course, boundaries are much more complex than this. There are boundaries to be held in every aspect of your life. Therefore, I'd recommend the below resources:
- The boundaries books: there's a whole series of books that are worth a read. These do come from a Christian perspective.
- The boundaries podcast, from the author of the above books
- This clip:
There are tons of resources about boundaries out there. If you type 'boundaries' in the search bar of Amazon, you will get pages upon pages of books. But we will struggle with boundaries if we don't understand why we mow over our own boundaries willingly. There are people who will choose to take care of the child in the above situation. Their reasoning will be, "If I don't do it, it won't get done," and/or, "The child needs me." We are teaching the spouse and the child that we don't matter, that they can continue this behavior, and we are teaching ourselves that we are not worthy.
And the thing is, something inside us listens when it hears and experiences this lack of self worth. We don't need someone to disrespect us, because we're doing it ourselves!
If you find yourself consistently disregarding your own boundaries, I implore you to speak with a therapist, and not just because I am training to be one.
In part 3 I will talk about what you can do to enhance your self care. These will be practical steps, but keep in mind that practical solutions can only do so much. They cannot erase the reasons why we choose to do the things we do. We have to do the work to explore those reasons and to heal them.
