A friend of mine expressed a concern she had the other day, a concern regarding how the people in her life seemed less than supportive of her in her college journey. She is still doing sophomore level classes for her major, despite being in college for three years, and this is beginning to raise questions about her competence in college. Those questions aren't being posed by her professors or counselors, or even by herself. They are coming from her family and friends.
I thought on this today, as I prepared to do homework, and realized that every person I have spoken to who has returned to college in their late twenties and beyond has a similar story. Many of these people have taken on strategies to manage their time so that school has not detracted from their home life, or has spoken to friends and family about their plans. Many get initial support as they begin, but as the process draws out, and hurdles and obstacles throw off best laid plans, it becomes that this support is conditional.
I, too, have experienced conditional support. I had decided to go back to school and the support I received was more of an agreement that I needed to find a better way to spend my time, as I would not be returning to my previous career. There was much emphasis on achievement, and without a stellar career, I was not in the process of chasing achievement, nor was I in the status of just having achieved something. It was unfamiliar for me, and the unfamiliarity of this stalemate gathered support, just as long as I was put back on the right track.
The As I earned soon lost their luster, and when I had to change majors, I could hear the sighs and the carefully reworded concerns that college was turning from an occupation of time to a waste of time. I heard statements encouraging me to try just one more time in my previous industry. I obviously did not listen.
Then came a conversation I won't forget. It started with this person, who I love dearly, telling me that college was easy, and that not only would this person be able to pass all classes with flying colors, that the teachers would get angry at them because they would be so smart. They would be doing the work for the teachers! Irritated, they would surely be sent home, never to return, an honorary degree in hand.
This conversation may seem to be in jest, but it was a hypothetical story that was told more than once by the same person, whenever I seemed to struggle. It often came with additional tags to it, such as that they have had a career spanning forty years and never once stepped onto a college campus, and seemed to do just fine.
In the meantime, I had lost friends who did not support my return to college or my desire to change careers. Other people in my life met behind my back to discuss my "problem" and how to fix it, even calling into question the security of my living situation. Perhaps I would just quit if I needed to find another place to live.
That, paired with the hypothetical statements, added another layer of stress to the stress normally felt by a nontraditional college student. It soon became apparent that I was not going to quit school. I was going to follow through with this to the end. I wanted a Bachelor's degree. I wanted a change. But I knew that the people who were supposed to be in my corner actually were not. The only person who was there for me, was me.
That is not to say that I did not get support in other ways. My housing needs, my anxiety, my low income job, everything...it was all tolerated. I didn't end up losing my housing. And no one ever did step up to fix my "problem" of school and apparent crisis of the soul or occupation, or whatever it was that they felt needed fixing. I graduated with my AA, and now I am finishing up my Bachelor's.
In a way, their non-support helped fuel the fire to at least come this far. That doesn't mean that I enjoyed it. That doesn't mean that I won't remember, either. It is a strange sort of motivation, one that didn't come from a need to prove them wrong, but rather, to recommit to myself.
To the person who said that they could do college "no problem," well, I called them out on it. I asked them to come enroll with me at college, and we'd take a class together, any class they wanted. I told them it would be fun. They restated their hypothetical story again, and I told them that I did not believe them. I believed that they would not enroll because they were scared, and they see how much work I do and are not truly prepared to do the same. And college is a place where one must become comfortable with being wrong. I said to them that I knew that this was not something they could stomach.
No other hypothetical stories came my way, and in the end, I was able to continue my studies. Also, this person never enrolled in college to answer my challenge.
While I know that I will reach the finish line on my own, and I will achieve once more, I know that this experience would be much more endearing if these unsupportive obstacles had not been put in my way. And I know that others have had to deal with much worse. This lack of support is often not seen for what it is, and is seen more as problems that need to be addressed and fixed. It often stems from fear and uncertainty, that should truly be dealt with on a personal level and not projected.
A college student is taking on an endeavor that is trying from many angles. Most traditional (fresh out of high school) college students are young, with parental support, who don't need to worry about kids or family or full time jobs. They usually do not need to dodge questions and accusations posed as "worries" and "concerns." They do not have to worry that their success is going to cause a negative reaction in someone. But many are still familiar with the burden of disappointing someone when they do not achieve, achieve, achieve. And this needs to stop.
We are not responsible for someone else's disappointment. That is something they have set up on their own.
Dear nontraditional college student reading this now, please keep going. I don't know what your major is, and I don't know your exact situation, but I know that it is worth it. Even if it only means something to you. You don't need to get straight As, have a perfect GPA, or even finish within 4 years for it to be worth it. You are worth it.
Don't let them get you down. You can do it.
<3
