Today I received information about a grad fair coming up. At this grad fair I can pick up my regalia (blue for once, I've only ever worn red or black!), pick up free stuff, and I suppose get some ideas on what's to come after graduation. I'm excited.

But also a bit sad.

I see in this same email that I get 8 free tickets to the event. And I realize all at once that this amount is too much and not enough.

I have friends all over the world. Friends I've met at previous jobs, or friends I made here in California or when I lived in New Jersey, who are now living far away due to moves or whatnot. All I can think is, if I could, I'd invite them all and I would need a lot more than 8 tickets. 

And then I think of my extended family. There's so many of them, and in the past 8 years, we've learned to come together to celebrate each other. And I'd love if they could be there. But I only have 8 tickets. 

And then I think of why we've come together over the past 8 years. The tragedy that started it all.

The same tragedy that started everything. All of this change. 

In 2014, I was working for Spirit Halloween (corporate) in New Jersey. It was a struggle. It was a culture shock, it was isolating, and it made me realize that there is a type of ugly in the world that is sneaky, covert, and malicious. I was ostracized, I was yelled at in front of my colleagues, I was made to cry by my ex-boss, and a smear campaign was put into effect. My job was sabotaged at every turn. However, I am not a person who quits...or I wasn't. When things got hard, I got creative. I spoke up. I worked harder. I did what I had to do. But I didn't realize that if someone has already decided to discard you, nothing you do will redeem you in their eyes. It is better to walk away, because you don't need to redeem yourself. Your worth is not tied to someone else's acceptance!

I was going to walk away. I made plans to get another job, and had sent out resumes. I was looking at how I could move back to California. I was looking at other states and other companies. Spirit Halloween moved faster than I could, unfortunately.

I got the biggest kick in the pants when, in February of 2014, my aunt Olga was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. If you know anything about pancreatic cancer, you know that most times, once you discover it, it's too late. And it was too late. I flew out there to be with my aunt and family as she was dying. I had to fight to get clearance. When she died, I had to show my supervisor a photo of her coffin to prove that she had indeed died, so that my bereavement and emergency trip to California could be cleared. Then, they put me on a PIP anyway.

The cousins, together, shortly before my aunt (center) died.

But I knew that when I showed my ex-boss that photo, that Spirit Halloween, and any company really, will never give two shits about me, no matter what they say. And the people who did care were thousands of miles away, and their lives were passing by without me there. My first nephew had been born. I missed that. I missed his first Christmas. First Halloween. I should have been there for him and for my sister, and I wasn't.

I vowed to never let a company get in between me and my family ever again. 

This and a few other factors had me staring at a tough decision. Should I continue trying to fight for a place in the world of the Halloween industry when I had three examples of companies and people doing their best to crush me with toxic culture and what we now know as Quiet Firing? Or do I walk away and start over?

I chose to start over.

This was a hard decision. I had to fight every fiber in my being that told me that if I walked away I was a quitter, and a quitter was a failure, and who I was as a person was not worthy of anything. I was just not good enough. Period. On top of that, I lost all the progress I had made as an adult. I had to move in with my parents. My fate was placed in the hands of other people, and my autonomy was nearly stripped away in more than one occasion. My best friend at the time decided that she didn't like where I was heading, and she left. I lost my home, one of my cats, my car, my career, everything. 

But I needed a career that wouldn't take me from the people I cared about. I made sure that I was going to be there when my second nephew was born. I was going to be there for every birthday and Christmas that I possibly could (the pandemic and a bout of strep interrupted that). I almost quit a job because that job wanted me to fly out to China the week my second nephew was born. 

I learned to say no in between 2014 and now. I learned to put power behind it.

No is a complete sentence.

When I graduated with my associates, I did walk, because I needed to create a reminder to myself that yes, I fought back and I got to a better place in life, and I did not let the ex-friends, ex-jobs, and tragedies weigh me down. And if I could do that, I could go further.

During this time in school, my only living grandparents died. My cousin died. My sister's mother-in-law and her mother died of covid. My uncle Gilbert died of cancer.

I am about to graduate, and my aunt Olga's sister, Elena, died last year, on October 11, 2021, from pulmonary fibrosis. I dropped my classes during that time because I just couldn't deal. Otherwise, I would have graduated already. But I saw I couldn't handle it, and gave myself a break. Old Me would have forced myself to do it. I am not that person anymore.

I say 8 tickets seems like too much because one aunt's death spurred this huge change in my life. The other aunt loved to hear me talk about what I was learning (she listened to everything I had to say, even when I was depressed, and not once told me I wasn't allowed to feel how I felt...she just saw me as human and I will never forget that). And neither of them are going to be there. 

My aunt Olga at my parent's wedding in 1981.

My aunt Elena and I, 1982-1983-ish.

 

Alright, onto part 2.

So we learned a lot about what we do to sabotage our own self care. But the previous 3 things are all results of the last thing. A lack of boundaries, or poor maintenance of boundaries.

Poor boundaries create poor self care

Do you struggle with boundaries? What are some good boundaries that you have that have changed things for you?

Most people I ask say they:

• I have a spa day now and again
• I treat myself to a mani/pedi
• I take a bubble bath with aromatherapy salts and/or candle
• I meditate
• I planned a cool vacation (insert random number) of weeks from now

These are great self care activities. But we can't always do them. Depending on how much money we have, how much time we have on our plate, or other factors (such as family, school, a job, etc.), we can't do them all the time. You can't spa day every day. So while these are good "treat yourself" sort of self care ideas, they are extra.

Self care is actually, and literally, the care of oneself every day. It includes:

• getting some exercise
• getting enough sleep
• eating enough
• taking breaks
• staying hydrated
• maintaining boundaries
• honoring your emotions, needs, and limits

I know what you're saying already. "I don't have time for all of this!"

And therein lies the problem. Because there is most likely plenty of time for you to take care of yourself. I usually the "I don't have enough time" excuse from people who are doing one (or more) of several things:

• taking care of other people disproportionately (problematic self sacrificing)
• staying addicted to chaos
• feel they do not deserve self care
• or, feel they have not yet earned self care

Let me break down what these look like:

Problematic Self Sacrificing

Staying addicted to chaos

Deserving and earning VS. the right to self care

Think of your fight-or-flight system as the "Turbo" on the ship. It's not designed for unending use! It literally is designed for quick boosts! To get you away from danger!

I'm stepping out of the normal subject matter for this blog with this post, but I feel its relevant as many people my age (I am 40 now) have gone through some manner of career change or career identity crisis in their life. After all, my career change, and going back to school to facilitate that, are a product of workplace tactics that can be summed up in the moniker "quiet firing."

Why bring this up? Well, "quiet quitting" is being tossed around a bit these days. It's a term that is supposed to describe an employee doing the work expected of them, no more, no less. You would think this should be considered normal enough that it doesn't cause a ruckus. After all, in capitalism, we (the worker) sell our labor to the employer, and in turn for that labor, we get paid for it. It's the same as going to the store and buying a product. Our product is our labor. You shouldn't steal the product at the store, right? Then you shouldn't steal the labor. And yet workers have been asked to go "above and beyond" for decades. This is a fancy way of saying do more labor for free with the promise of pay later. You work hard, do more, give 110% or more, and maybe later the employee will give you a raise. To do less than that, you are seen as "not a team player" and slacking, and then there are grounds to fire you.

Quiet quitting just means that employees aren't buying into the lie anymore. But while there's so much buzz about quiet quitting, we aren't looking at the other half of the equation. The employer and "quiet firing". These tactics are what we (designers in the Halloween costume industry) used to call "to force quit someone."

What does that mean?

It means an employer, manager, a team member, etc., puts into place tactics to try to get an employee to quit, or to give up to the point that the employer can come up with a legitimate reason to fire that person.

This includes overt toxic strategies such as sabotage (taking away resources that help the employee get things done), ostracism (creating an environment where employee is excluded), reducing the significance of the employee's contributions (making it seem like their contributions "weren't that great" or even taking credit for the employee's contributions somehow), excessive negativity (refusing to give the employee positive feedback and only give them negative feedback), moving the goalposts (changing the requirements of success, usually at random), making unreasonable demands (goals that the employee has no hope of meeting), microaggressions, and even going so far as to be verbally, psychologically, emotionally, and sometimes (it does happen) physically abusive. There are more, I am sure.

From quill.com

It can also mean more common, "acceptable" tactics, which I call "dangling the carrot." Promising a raise if the person goes "above and beyond" and yet, when it comes time for review, the person either somehow falls below the requirements OR suddenly the budget can't allow for a raise.

These tactics slowly wear away at a person until they are a shell of their former self. Then the employer starts putting together disciplinary paperwork trails. They will call the employee in for a meeting to ask them to correct their behavior. The employee may try, but their heart isn't into it. They're already been used for all they can give.

So either they quit, or they are fired. The employer starts again with someone new and naïve.

What is the difference between then and now?

Employees don't believe the lie that the employer has power over them anymore. They know there are things in this life that are worth more than money. Physical and mental health, hobbies, children, travel, etc. Workers today are learning that a part of self respect is being aware of what is toxic, and not standing for it. The power of their career paths are in their hands, and arguments about quiet quitting are feeble attempts at getting that power back.

If employers want employees to stay and give more than 100%, then employers need to start listening to and respecting employees. Because at the end of the day, corporations, workplaces, managers, etc., they come and go. In the eyes on an employee, their health, their life, their family, etc. are more important and permanent. They aren't going to sacrifice themselves for people who wouldn't do the same for them. I am so glad that today, young workers are collectively deciding to not put up with employer tactics to separate, demean, and destroy them. I would have loved to have seen this on the part of my fellow designers when I was in the Halloween costume industry. Unfortunately, the culture then was one of fear and manipulation, not camaraderie, trust, and solidarity.

I am sure many of us who are around middle-age who are changing careers are looking about, wondering what is going on. These are the changes that we have hoped for, the ones we wished we could have enjoyed. Maybe we wouldn't be in the middle of changing careers now if we had been able to experience these changes. True, there is something to be said about not being able to experience something. But we have worked hard to try to erase toxic workplaces and their tactics.

I, for one, am happy to see that less people are going to be suffering as a result of these tactics, even as I march towards graduation and a new career.

How do you feel about quiet quitting/quiet firing?

This is it my friends.

The moment I have been working towards since 2015.

This week is the last week of my practicum, where I am learning how to be a therapist by working with real clients under the tutelage of some really amazing supervisors (I haven't blogged about this because there isn't much about it that I can actually share due to confidentiality reasons). The end of the month marks the end of all my classes save for one.

I have one class left. Just one.

And then, in December, I will graduate with a Master's in Counseling Psychology and can apply for my associateship, and then I can actually, finally, finally, change careers.

I am sure I will have more poignant things to say when graduation is finally here, but the end of practicum is a big deal. I've accrued the 400 hours of practicum to graduate (at least 200 are direct counseling hours where I work with clients face-to-face). I have done all the coursework (save for the one class, that is). It's finally here.

There are a few things I have to do in order to reach that milestone, however:

• Pay $2,778.53 for the last class (financial aid doesn't stretch that much when you are a graduate student)
• Pay $250 to apply for graduation
• Pay $70+ for Livescan
• Pay $150 to apply for associateship
• Plus whatever costs for testing that I may be forgetting.

I recently participated in a discussion where many students felt that their professors were bullying them, and they didn't know what to do about it, or why it was happening. Unfortunately, professors are not always professional, and sometimes they can unload their issues on another person. To some, a student is below them, and they can do what they want to make those people feel miserable or less-than.

When I first went to college, and was at FIDM, I had two professors who bullied in two different ways. One was actually verbally abusive, and yelled at students who didn't get things right the first time, or asked questions. It was not a good learning environment. All we did was follow directions...with no room to experiment or apply what we "learned." Another professor bullied in a more subtle but still malicious way, by gossiping to each student and other professors to spread rumors and pit people against each other. In the end, the class was divided, with half against the other half. I reported them both to the school, which resulted in all the professors, even the nice ones, from ever talking to me again. It was obviously a toxic environment all around. Unfortunately, I was very young and didn't understand the nature of abuse, toxic people, or bullying. I unfortunately believed that it was because I didn't work hard enough, or I was a bad person who somehow deserved it.

In the years since FIDM, I've learned a lot about all of those things. I survived narcissistic bosses and boyfriends, as well as toxic people at work who created smear campaigns, ostracized, and gossiped. I faced verbal abuse, sexual abuse, and interpersonal abuse. It WAS abuse, and no amount of mental gymnastics can justify it. None of it was my fault. And none of it is EVER warranted.

When I returned to school, I was wary enough about abuse that I didn't want any part of it. Any professor that showed any inkling of abuse was immediately dropped, and there were three of them. One flirted with the men in the class, making everyone uncomfortable. One basically told us all that we were too dumb to pass his class. Another was rude and demeaning to the women in the class.

I can't say I am an expert at spotting abusive people. After all, if they weren't able to hide who they really are, they wouldn't be successful anywhere. Abusive people know how to manipulate, connive, and talk their way out of situations. But there are red flags to look out for (and please keep in mind that when I say there are red flags to look out for, it doesn't mean that it is your fault if you can't spot all red flags...the prey is not responsible for the predator's choice):

Humiliation

A big part of studying psychology is conducting literature reviews, which are like research projects but require APA formatting and doesn't involve any actual studies (i.e. surveys, experiments, or observations). Instead, it is much like an MLA report where one reviews different peer reviewed sources and create a report that usually just includes the Introduction, Literature Review, Discussion, and Conclusion. Since no study has been conducted, there's no need for procedures, methods, or results. Often, an abstract is not needed, either.

Creating one of these reports may seem like a cluster of a mess and a burden. But the main purpose of these reports is to get you to research other peer reviewed items and to read about something outside of a textbook. It is also to get you to understand how research studies create the results that the layperson sees as truths.

If you feel that these papers keep you in a state of stress, try following my steps towards success below:

Plan ahead accordingly.

Select a template that best fits your paper. Then, get started!

It even has a tool to help you organize your references...and to search for them!

I forgot all of the name of the paper I was referencing, but I remembered one of the authors and parts of the title. The paper popped right up!

See if your school has access to this tool. Otherwise, you may have to pay for it. If you don't want to do that, there are other ways to put together your paper. Word has a template for APA here. And then there is Google docs with a template here. However, no matter what you use, make sure that the finished product adheres to the APA 6th edition guidelines (or, whatever edition is out when you read this). If you don't know what those are, check out the below:

I write notes on things I find that seem relevant to the writing prompt. These papers have tons of biological info that I do not understand and have never been taught. I try to stick to things that are also relevant to the course, which is an undergrad biological psychology course.

Write by section, and leave the intro for last.

Write the conclusion.

Write the intro, and if your professor requires an abstract, write that now.

Make sure that your citations are formatted correctly.

This is directly copied from the school Library's citation generator!

Ensure formatting is good on all other things.

What are your tips for getting Lit Reviews written without going nuts? Drop them below!